Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
