i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
