I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
