I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
