Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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