If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
