its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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