My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
