So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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