My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
