Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
