i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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