I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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