I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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