If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
