seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
