I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
