turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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