As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
