YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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