You don't have asthma, your pregnant
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
