i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
