you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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