another moral hangover. fuck.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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