Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We got so high we made milksteak
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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