My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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