This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
