I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
