all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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