So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
