Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
