i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
