you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
