I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
