i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
