I hate all girls vehemently.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
