I want to walk on stilts...naked
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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