Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
