Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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