The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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