sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize