My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
