my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
