Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
