Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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