I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
