I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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