I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
