im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
