Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
