totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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