Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
