Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
