she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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