i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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