Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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