So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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