Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize