Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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